Torn

I find this very difficult to write because it’s the start of a whole new life for me. I walk this alone it seems though I know I have family and some real true friends out there supporting me as I struggle down this difficult path. To all of you, you have my unconditional Thanks and gratitude.

I am mainly starting this to I suppose openly vent. People say write everything down, make a diary. I do best at typing; I can nearly type as fast as I think a thought. Handwriting is so old school. I also figured people always say I’m here if you need a lending ear. Well I suppose this will get many. Maybe it’s needed. I really can’t be certain on this but I can be certain my voice will be heard and my pain and hurt will be felt. Through it all I just hope to not be judged or looked down upon.

My life has been on this winding, up and down, crazy at times and as well as boring and also exciting and thrilling ride.

I have done several things I am not proud of. The main one was be the final blow of my marriage by the affair that became public with my ex husbands good friend. My marriage was falling apart already and somewhere in there I fell in love with a man I still fight for but sadly and painfully I’m losing this battle, after our relationship started back in February 2006.

This is why I write. My life for the past 3 years has been a fight for someone I felt was worth it and wonderful. I love him unconditionally and he knows it. However he comes from a very difficult family whose values are wrong in my eyes and several others. They are making him chose between me and them. And unbelievably he is choosing them. After all the things we’ve been through and the support and love I have given this man he now is sending me packing and back to Oregon. Actually his parents want me gone so bad they are fitting the bill if you can imagine that.

I am so lost and torn and struggling right now it’s unreal. I can be brutally honest with myself and have been for the last few days in talking to a few friends I never really realized I had there for me after being gone for so long along with my family and extended family. I feel embarrassed and humiliated and helpless to be honest. I’m terrified of failing not just those I love but my boys.

Everything I wanted in life has been ripped out of my grasp and there isn’t much control of it right now in my own hands. As I write further, more details will unfold. But for now this is too painful to continue.....