Brutally Honest-

Well what can I say, I’m still confused in areas. Tommy came home two days age (Sunday) and we talked. He admits he loves me still, just not the way I love him. And I know that. Like most everyone else, he even says I deserve better then what he can give now. And I know this too. I also know from him admitting, he doesn’t know how to love someone. I knew it would be something to grow from and learn for him when we first got together. And I was ok with that.

In the end is what it comes down to is us being him and me. By that I mean, he and I have never been an individual, independent. Both have always been in some form of relationship. Which again, admittedly this is true. So we walk into this with, bettering ourselves for a better Us later. Knowing full well that that may not happen. I do have hope for it but I know I can’t dwell on it. This is not what we are striving for. Our goal is becoming an individual. I can admit I have never financially supported myself. And he admits he has never supported anything other than financial. Both being co-dependent most of our lives in majority in some way.

Though we are separating/splitting up (however you shall see it), we will still very much be a part of the others lives. More than friends but not quite “boyfriend and girlfriend” status are how we see it. It’s not to move on with someone else, it’s to move on for ourselves. We admit we are both scared to do this but it is needed. And we have hopes for the other and know with our own growth we will learn to love, respect and appreciate the other more than we do now. This is another reason why he needs to do this for him, to learn to be a better man and someone worth deserving. Not to say that he isn’t already, he is a good man and I have told him that. (though some will say otherwise after everything this last week and some past prior actions)

I have been with him solid for 3 years and 4 all together. He is my best friend and has been there for me through more than I can even begin to list. And the same for him with me. For us to completely walk away is something we both wish not to do. We both have said we can see ourselves together later on if and when the time is right and well, time will only tell. He knows too that he may make changes in him life that I cannot accept, though these are things he wishes to continue to change, ie his drinking. Please note his drinking is not the cause of our separation, he’s done really well with this.

For him he knows I hope that he continues to lessen and gain control of his drinking and he plans to. For reasons he and I both know as well as a few others. And that he also learns to stand up for himself when it comes to his family. Which he also agrees is a work in progress, slowly but surely.

This continues to be a very difficult time for me still and we still have much talking to do. But as for now, this is what I know.

I know I will be moving still. But I have to decide whether that be to Oregon with my Mom and Brother or to Washington with my Sister. It’s a hard decision for me either way. I already mentioned WA to my Mom and she immediately got upset and was quick to get off the phone

(more to come)